He died for me ; i'm living for Him

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

is this wad it meant by having to choose between serving Money or God? mani prayer walks/mtgs coming up the next few days. and my father had to accept a big business. den he nid lots of ppl. but all my brothers not free. so my father ask me to do. kip emphasizing on how my cousins are so fillial. will go help my gugu(aunt). den say he no this fu qi to have so guai children. if no one help him den he will just have to push away this HUGE business.. no a big deal lah. jus dat will lose alot of money plus creditability only mah. den ppl wun come find us do business.. blahh....

is it my fault dat i have two brothers who cant help eu?its it my fault dat eu have to suddenly have this client? is it my fault dat eu last min ask me to work for eu. and i had plans dat i cant cancel? why is it me who nid to do all this for eu instead of my brothers. i have a life. as the one who doesnt have life.

any close person to me will noe i nv liked my father's side de relative since i was born. they sux. literally. sux money out of the family. inheritance oso wan snatch. eu wan. give eu lah. now eu even waiting for my father to retire so dat eu can have the company. see eu all run the company. forget it lah. reputation will be spoilt. i rather we close down with a clean and nice reputation rather den pass to eu all and end up smelly and down.

so now i had to push away mani plans dat i had planned. bible studies. drill com mtg. if my father can have his way. i bet he wun even let me go get my results for olvl lah. forget it. he's NOT. and im going to FIRST parade no matter wad.

feeling so "feelful" of the past now. began to think of the past. where i will stupidly sit at the doorstep. waiting for my father to come home. help him take his bag.. although its so so heavy. i will jus drag it to the table. and smile with "man zu gan" cos i "helped" my father. den every friday. i will stand in front of the lifts. any one of them coming up to my flr. i will stand at the door.

fridays were special to me. cos its the day when my father will bring my whole family to McDonalds to eat. we will go to the bukit timah one.. my brothers will play with me in the playground thou they are too old for it. cos dey wan to pei me. rmb there was a time where i ran thru a hole in the "net" thingy. my brother scared i fall down. so chase after me. but he tio stuck. stupid. but sweet.

i rmb the times whr me and my cousin. (guy. younger den me 1 yr). we like to take fotos holding hands. if eu don let us hold hand. we don take. simple. =// lame. together with our brothers. we 4. although im the only girl. they nv made me felt tat way. they made me one of them. anywhr they go. dey will ask me along. we played catching. hide&seek. poker. even WWF wrestling together. we did everything together. we even threw our another cousin de pants down the block. she cried. we returned. and of cos. scoldings.

i rmb the fwens. who i made in p sku. in s sku. someone once told me. fwens made in s sku are the best. cos in p sku. dey don understand the meaning of FRIEND. in poly onwards. everyone care bout themselves. own goals. only in s sku. eu can find true fwen. kinda true. how mani fwen do i have in p sku who stuck by me til now? only ONE. yet. how mani of the ppl who i confide in is known in my s skuyears? all but ONE. the ones who stuck by me. no matter im in the right or wrong. no matter wad happen. no matter wad is the time. no matter wad they are doing. dey are dere to support me. they let me scream shout complain yell whine for all i wann. when im sad. dey cheer me up. when im happy. dey will high with me. whenever im crying. there's always a shoulder ready for me to cry on. those ppl.. eu noe who are eu.. thanks guys =D

but now mani things had change. no more of the special friday. long ago i lost hope in the magic of fridays.

the worst realisation of all.

in doing things FOR God, i forget to do things WITH God.

this is to go. i have to change this mindset.

11:51 AM { and i opened my heart(: